20 Hours, Give or Take.

I've said it before and most of you were already aware that I am a unrepentant nerd. Well my nerd world just got a bit more exciting. The first trailer for The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was just released. I'll admit, I'm not a huge Tolkienite. I haven't read the Lord of the Rings (henceforth to be referred to as LOTR) trilogy. I have read The Hobbit though and I was thoroughly impressed. It was a great story. And the movie looks like it's going to be every bit as good. Peter Jackson is back doing his thing. The visual effects are every bit as good as, if not better than, the LOTR movies. Unfortunately, the movie won't be released until late next year. That means my fellow nerds and I must endure the strategically scheduled teasers and constant hype for nearly a year. Fortunately though, I'm pretty sure that this won't be a massive letdown like Revenge of the Sith, and the last two Matrix movies. So enduring a years worth of marketing is a small price to pay.

Oh, this is somewhere around 20 hours. Starting to get sick of this barn. On a brighter note, I finally found colored graphics pens in the size I use. Hoping to try them out soon and see just what I can do with them. I've never been very good with color, but I think I might have a chance with these.

18 hours

Alright people, you've all been silently following my blog for some time now. I want to hear you guys weigh in on this one. What are you favorite/unusual Christmas traditions? For us, my dad makes suffle (not souffle) every year. It's a wonderfully delicious dish that contains bacon, bread, ham, eggs, cheese, milk, and corn flakes. We also have a fruit salad and cinnamon rolls with it. This year we'll be making a slight modification to the tradition as we have to do it on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas morning. But we'll still have grandma and grandpa over, and the kids will open their presents after we eat. We had my dad's family Christmas part this last Saturday and like many other families we do the white elephant gifts. Every year the cordial cherries and thin mints are the favorites that everyone likes to steal. We also have the tradition of trying to hit each other in the face with wadded up wrapping paper when you're not looking. Sometimes grandma gets mad about that one though. And of course, just like Thanksgiving, we all eat way too much. Mmmmmmmmm food.

This is about eighteen hours worth of work. Apparently I grossly underestimated the amount of time this project was going to take. I was figuring between 30 and 40 hours. Considering I'm not even halfway done yet, looks like 50 to 60 might be more accurate.

14 Hours and a Giveaway.

So I was talking to a friend the other day and she accused me of being pessimistic. Which I don't believe to be the case at all. I simply enjoy trying to think of the worst case scenario for any given situation. That doesn't mean I expect it to happen. She mentioned how nice living in Alaska would be. I said it's too cold. She said, "But you would have all that hunting available." To which I replied, "Yeah, but I have terrible circulation and my feet would get frostbite then gangrene from infection and I'll die." Logical chain of events to the worst case scenario right? I have a knack for this. It doesn't matter how benign the situation may seem, I can come up with a terrible outcome preceded by a reasonable sequence of mishaps. Think you can come up with something that no matter what cannot end badly? Well leave a comment and I'll prove ya wrong. For the first person to stump me, I will do one piece of custom artwork (either a drawing or pen and ink, winners preference.*)

Well this is right around 14 hours worth of work. The parts I thought I could consider finished turned out otherwise. That's the problem with my brain. I continuously think of ways it could be better. Good enough is never good enough for me. That's  probably why a lot of my drawings are unfinished.


*Contact author for contest rules and prize details.

12 Hours

I think I've found the meaning of life. My life that is. The meaning of your life may be (and probably is) drastically different. Or your life may not have any meaning and you're just using precious oxygen. How can you be so selfish? Just kidding. Everybody has a purpose, sometimes it just takes a while to figure out what it is. Back to mine.

I have realized that the expression "if it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all" and Murphy's Law seem to be aimed specifically at me. I'm a walking disaster. I'll admit, a large part of it is due to my lack of foresight. But it seems a disproportionate amount that is outside my control falls to me. Don't get me wrong, this isn't me complaining about how hard or unfair life is. I understand that there are others out there like me who seem to bear the brunt of the load of misfortune. The reason I think this is true is that we are better able to cope with constant frustration or disappointment. I believe God has given us the gift of endurance. We shoulder the burdens that if left to others could be too much for them. Not everyone is equipped to handle these types of stresses the way we are. And I don't have a problem with this. If my ability to stand the constant letdowns, upheavals, and general crap that life gives us means that someone else doesn't have to suffer them and is able to face the world another day, then so be it. I'll gladly accept that role. 

What's the meaning of your life?

So I've got approximately twelve hours into it now. As you can see, I'm making actual progress and that's really the only thing that keeps me going on something so tedious. That and the fact that I want it to be done in time for the family Christmas party.

Nine Hours

Alright, so how many of you remembered what today is? Without having to be reminded by the news? That's what I thought. This date marks a watershed event in American history. An event that would affect the lives of millions of Americans and others around the world. That's right, today marks the anniversary of the first use of instant replay in a televised football game.
It was 1963 and CBS used it in the Army/Navy game. Little did they realize the effect this would have on the American populace.
Okay, so obviously that isn't the most important thing to happen on this date. Marcus Antonius had Cicero assassinated. Delaware became the first state to ratify the Constitution. And the crew of Apollo 17 flew the final manned mission to the moon.
Wait...what? I forgot one? Oh that's right, December 7th is the day that Japanese planes bombed Pearl Harbor. Roosevelt called it "A date that will live in infamy." Unfortunately, as our Greatest Generation passes away, the significance seems to pass with them. This was the event that pulled us into World War II. An endeavor in which over 400,000 Americans and 60 million people world wide would lose their lives. This was one of the defining moments in modern history, and how do we observe it? A few television specials and news articles. 2402 men and women died in that attack, and we give it no more thought than Columbus Day.

Just about nine hours of work so far. Parts of it are to the point where I would consider them finished, but I'm still less than a third of the way done i think.

six hours

Man, it's December 5th already. Where has this year gone? Heck, it seems like just yesterday that I was writing my first amazing blog post for my adoring audience. But now it's three months and thirty five posts later. And you have to admit they were some awesome posts. But like I said to begin with, it's December 5th. That means Christmas is fast approaching. What a great time of year this is. The obligatory trampling of the elderly on Black Friday is over. The nerve wracking, shoulder to shoulder throng of people returning lousy gifts has yet to come. People are still enjoying the early glow of the Christmas season when joy to all and good will toward men is still warming their hearts. And hasn't yet been replaced by the murderous rage that comes from fighting through the endless tide of people desperately seeking the perfect gift for someone they really don't like all that much but feel compelled to give something to because it's their wife's friend's cousin and if you don't your wife's friend won't like you and then your wife won't be happy.
I'm sorry, that probably came across as somewhat jaded. Okay, you want a happy holiday post, here ya go.
I love Christmas. It's such a wonderful time of year when everybody seems to remember to be kind to their fellow man. It's a magical time when families come together and old hurts are healed. We remember the birth of Jesus and the Good News he brought us. We sit with our children around the Christmas tree, drinking egg nog or hot cocoa, singing Christmas carols or watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Everybody is happy and anything is possible, because it's Christmas.
You're not buying it eh? Me either. That's because regardless of the time of year, we're still all people. And people screw up and hurt each other and make bad situations worse. But in the midst of all that, during the Christmas season, there is something that reminds people that they don't always have to act the way they normally do. People DO find ways to mend fences or heal hurts or just reach out to comfort someone in need. I guess if that means I have to put up with a ton of jerks in traffic, or unruly mobs in the stores, then so be it. I'm more than willing to sacrifice a bit of my own comfort if it means the miracle of Christmas is able to reach others.

About six hour worth of work. A lot more detail and starting to fill in more area. You may be getting a feel for just how time intensive a piece like this is.

Three Hours

Well it seems I've run into a small hiccup in my fund raising for the mission trip to Honduras. It seems that I inadvertently violated the terms and conditions of my AdSense account. Because of this, my account was deactivated and I can no longer host AdSense ads on my blog. I understand that I was in error but you would think they would cut a guy a little slack for a minor mistake when it's rather obvious that all my actions were done in good faith that I was abiding by the rules. Oh well. I'm sure there are plenty of other advertisers that will be delighted to be featured on my blog. After all, it is the best blog YOU have ever read. 

Even though I didn't expect the revenue from the ads to even come close to paying for my trip, every little bit helps. I've decided that I need to be more pro-active in my fund raising. That's why I'm going to be stepping WELL out of my comfort zone. In one week, the church I attend (Bailey Christian Church) will be hosting a craft bazaar and silent auction. The booth fees paid by the vendors is going toward the church missions fund. I will be participating in this as well. I will have some of my artwork for sale as well as delicious, homemade, pure Michigan maple syrup. I will also be working on the gift for my grandparents so those interested can see just what my technique entails. The money I raise from my sales will also be going towards the Honduras mission trip next August. Feel free to stop by and see me at work, and maybe you'll see something that catches your eye. The church is located in Bailey, Michigan. It's the only church in town and it's right on the main road so if you can't find it I don't know what to tell you. If you don't know where Bailey is, don't feel bad, that's quite common. It's about twenty miles north of Comstock Park on M-37.

Approximately three hours into the project. Still not much area covered but the finer details are starting to become evident.

Why do I Enjoy This?

Okay, for those of you that don't know me and haven't read my previous posts, I am a bit of an artist. My preferred mediums are pencil and pen & ink. While I have spent a lot of time drawing over the years, pen and ink is something I've only really been serious about for the last few years. I tried my hand at it in art class in high school and had decent success, but I was never as comfortable with it as pencil drawing. But when I again tried my hand at it after years of avoidance, I found out I was pretty good. I've posted some of the work I've done in previous posts so you can judge for yourself if you feel like taking the time to go back through them.
I guess what makes my pen & ink work different is that unlike most artists, I have chosen to use the technique of stippling. What is stippling? I'm glad you asked (otherwise this post would have to be cut much shorter than I had originally planned).
Dictionary.com has a lousy definition of stippling. While technically accurate, it doesn't begin to adequately describe just how time consuming the process actually is. Sure, you can get a decent picture using a larger pen and fewer dots, but if you really want it too look good, it takes thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dots from the finest point pen you can get. I use a .05 millimeter graphic pen. That's the smallest I was able to find. Just to help give you and idea of what all is involved in one of my pieces I'm going to start a miniseries of posts following my current work. This work is going to be a gift for my grandparents, so please don't tell them. I don't have to worry about them reading this as I'm quite certain neither of them has ever even attempted to use a computer.
This is a photo of the picture after approximately one hour of work. Yes, I know the perspective seems terrible in this picture. That's because it is. I've always had a problem with that, but you will see that it has been rectified in later posts.

 As you can see, an hours worth of work doesn't get you much when it comes to this style. I have a very minimal amount filled in with almost no fine detail. I should be able to update daily on this work as I hope to have it finished by the 17th of this month.  If you have any questions feel free to email me at looneygrant@gmail.com.

I'm a Sheep

So, yes, I will be like every other blogger, journalist, and facebooker in America today. Today's post is about none other than Thanksgiving.
I love Thanksgiving. I love it because of the food. I love food. I love turkey, and stuffing, and mashed potatoes, and gravy, and stuffing, and ham, and rolls, and green bean casserole, and stuffing, and cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie, and apple pie, and stuffing, and pecan pie, and banana cream pie, and coconut cream pie, and stuffing.
I love watching the Lions play football on Thanksgiving. I don't care that they usually lose. It's all about tradition baby. Of course, this year the game could be really interesting. They are taking on the 10-0 Packers. Last year Detroit beat Green Bay. I'd be ever so thankful for a win today. But regardless of the outcome, it's the tradition of sitting there watching the game, complaining about how much you ate.
Speaking of tradition, did I mention that I love the tradition of stuffing? Well I do.
Everyone talks about how Thanksgiving is a great time of year because you get to be with all your family and everyone has a good time and eats and watches football. Me, not so much. I just love the stuffing. Don't get me wrong, I like my family and it's fun to get together with them. But we see each other multiple times a year. We don't have anyone that ONLY makes it back for the holidays.
I'll be heading over to my grandparents for dinner shortly. I'm bringing banana bread with maple brown sugar butter. Aunt Joy will bring the deviled eggs. Aunt Shannon will bring the green bean casserole. Everybody brings the same thing every time, and I'm just fine with that. As long as there's stuffing. What are you making?

Related Links
Why this day is what it is.
The good stuff.
The really good stuff.

Some Things Just Aren't Cool

Okay, so I'm going to Honduras next August on a mission trip. I will be accompanying kids from our high school youth group as we work with Mision Caribe. This will be my first time going on a mission trip. If anyone would like to help fund the trip, simply click on some of the ads on this website. That's all it takes.
Anyway, when I agreed to this venture, I failed to remember that Honduras is largely jungle. Jungles, in case you aren't aware, are extraordinary places for spiders. And I don't just mean numbers. They get BIG. For those of you who may not know me too well, this presents a monumental problem. I am terrified of spiders. I have had people tell me that the spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them. I can guarantee that isn't true. "Well you're a thousand times bigger, just smush it." Ummm, no. It could jump on me and bite me and kill me. It's at this point that most people just shake their head or laugh or call me a sissy Nancy boy. I don't care. Spiders are abhorrent abominations that serve no good purpose on this earth. You may argue that they eat bugs. So do snakes, birds, bats, and frogs. I would gladly trade a few more of each of those in exchange for getting rid of spiders.
Honduras is home to three of the five deadly species of spiders known to exist. Many of you are probably at least familiar with the brown recluse and the black widow. But the Brazilian Wandering spider, or banana spider, also resides there. This spider has the most potent neurotoxin of any spider in the world. It is also a very aggressive spider and is not afraid to attack creatures much larger than itself (i.e. humans). Besides these three super killers, there are a vast number of other species of spiders that live here. "Oh, most spiders are harmless," you say. Just let me be clear about this, ALL spiders have venom. Therefore all spiders could possibly kill me.  You may say that line of reasoning is irrational.

pho·bi·a   [foh-bee-uh] 

noun

a persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it.

Yes, I know that it really doesn't make sense to be afraid of spiders. That doesn't make me any less afraid of them though. I can't help it. They are vile, evil, insidious, little monsters that need to be eradicated and that's all there is to it.

Honduras is also home to four very dangerous snakes as well as scorpions. There is also a lot of gang violence and tourists are frequently robbed. But I really am not worried about any of that. Just the spiders.  

Related Links

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Why don't these bother me?

Why I'm going anyway.

You Can't Win 'Em All

Well, today was the opening day of firearm season here in Michigan. I wasn't out first thing this morning due to a conflict with my schedule. Had a Bible study to go to and that was a bit more important than being in the woods at dark thirty. This is actually a big deal for me. As little as a year ago, hunting would have taken priority. But now things are different.
So I got out to the woods about 10:30 this morning. It was a beautiful morning too by the way. The sun was shining, the frost was just starting to melt off the leaves and grass. I saw a few turkeys as I was walking to my blind. I got all situated in my ground blind and began my vigil. Over the next six hours I saw 1,758 squirrels. I was able to keep an exact count as there were no deer to distract me. I also got to see a hawk swoop down and snatch a squirrel off the ground. That was pretty sweet. I'll tell ya what though, the other squirrels didn't take too kindly to it. They raised such a ruckus for the next fifteen minutes.
Something I've come to realize over the past few years, the manufacturers of those "hot seats" for hunters are definitely not thinking about the more rotund people that may use their product. I think my tailbone may actually be bruised.
Anyway, darkness fell without one single deer showing itself. So I came home. Now I'm just sitting here writing this post, waiting for bed time so I can get up and do it all again tomorrow.

Related Links
I'm pretty sure this is the type of hawk I saw today.
And this was its dinner.
Christmas is coming. Maybe your loved ones would appreciate something like this.

In Honor of NaNoWriMo I'm Submitting the Laziest Post Ever.

Yes, November is National Novel Writing Month, in which countless aspiring authors attempt to write a novel in thirty days. To those eight people that succeed, my hats off to you. To the rest, I'm "write" there with ya. Well, not exactly. I'm not attempting to write a novel at the moment. November contains the most historically successful dates for deer hunting, so I'm doing that whenever I have the chance. I did however start a novel earlier this year. Unfortunately I let life take over and abandoned it after several chapters.
I submit to you, the prologue.

Roots snaked up around his legs and torso, lashing out with their tendrils to entrap his arms.  Unseen weaves of energy sought to block him from the magical flows from which he drew his power.  Thrashing wildly, he hurled mage fire, desperately seeking to destroy the living vines that ensnared him, while simultaneously waging an unseen battle of will to maintain control of his magic.  Gouts of rock and soil lashed through the air as blast after blast struck ineffectually into the earth around him.  Trees and rocks alike shattered under the impact of mystic bolts of fire.  One vicious burst found its mark and splinters of wood lanced out in all directions.

     Bellowing in pain and rage, he clawed at his face, striving to dislodge the shrapnel embedded in his eye. Jerking the offending shard free he searched in vain for his enemies as more and more cords of root twined around his body.

      Half blinded by his own savagery, he lay about him in a relentless barrage of magical flame.  Unfortunately the pain caused his focus to waver and knots of magic drew tight about him.  His frenzied onslaught ceased immediately and the creeping vines pulled tight, holding him immobile.

     Like wraiths emerging from a fog, his four assailants materialized from the forest around him.  He watched as they approached him boldly, knowing they had nothing to fear now that he was cut off from the mystic energy.  As they drew near he could sense the one holding the spell which prevented his use of magic.  He knew that unless his bonds were released, he was at their mercy.  He also knew mercy would not be high on their list of priorities this day.

I have about thirty pages written I think. Maybe one day I'll resume the effort. Who knows.

The Orange Army Cometh.

No, we're not being invaded by the Netherlands. (If you don't understand the connection, Google it.) No, what I'm talking about is the opening of the firearm season in Michigan. In exactly one week, hundreds of thousands of blaze orange clad hunters will descend upon the fields and forests of our great state. I remember riding the bus to school in the days before I was old enough to hunt and seeing all the "pumpkins" sitting out in the edge of fields or along windrows. This was never opening day of course. That's a sacred holiday on which school is cancelled. But I always remember wishing I was old enough to be out there with them.
Since then, I've joined the ranks and served many tours in the orange army. I've had some success and some failure. I've participated in the great tradition of the family deer camp. (Although notorious might be more suitable than great for our family.) I have forgotten countless stories of deer season, yet the overall essence of what they mean has been ingrained into my psyche.
Things have definitely changed since I was younger. You no longer see all the "pumpkins". Everyone now has a blind of some sort. Weather it be a commercial model, or a self built box, (complete with heat, insulation, coffee, food, and electricity) very few enjoy actually sitting out in the woods. I'll admit, I've hunted from both types, but I've never really been comfortable in them. I much prefer hunkering down against a tree or sitting in a pit blind I dug and constructed myself.
This year, I did it a little differently though. I actually built a ground blind using camo cloth and dead limbs and such.

If you can't see it, well...isn't that the point?
For those of you who have read my previous posts about bow hunting, don't get me wrong. I'm extremely passionate about it. But at this point in time, it comes down to meat in the freezer and a rifle is simply much more likely to accomplish that.

Help a Fella Out.

I consider myself an artist. I would honestly love to be able to make a living with my artwork. Unfortunately, I have a very tough time finding people who are actually interested in paying for my art. I know a lot of that has to do with the fact that I really don't have a "network" to help spread the word about my talent. I'm also pretty much limited to pencil drawings or pointilism using pen and ink.
It would be wonderful to find people that wanted something specific and work on a commission basis rather than making a lot of stuff and hoping to sell it.
All that being said, this post is basically a shameless self promotion. Here are some examples of my work.

At the moment, I don't have any pencil drawings available to post, but I'm just as good at that. Also, I can draw or pen and ink anything, not just wildlife. Animals happen to be my favorite subject so that's what I do for fun. But I can do landscapes, still life, portraits, pretty much anything you could want.
If anyone is interested in having work done or has any questions, feel free to email me at looneygrant@gmail.com.

I Don't Want to Hear it.

Ladies and gentleman, I have returned. I took a self imposed sabbatical. I'd like to say that I was going through some life altering situations that completely turned my world upside down, but the truth is, I just didn't feel like writing for a while.
Today was a great day for me. I got to go on a charter for steelhead on the Muskegon River. This was my birthday present from my parents. The fishing was crazy and our guide was awesome.
We put in just after 8:00 this morning. It was nice and chilly and a heavy mist was rising from the river. The guide put us up at the head of a run and set us up to learn the technique of back bouncing. After less than a minute of practicing my line just stopped. Fish on!!! Talk about a great start. In a few minutes I landed a nice five or six pounder. We got back into position and within another couple minutes I had another fish on. Sweet. Got that one into the boat and decided to let it go. We're only allowed to keep three fish per person and I didn't want the day to end that quickly.
Throughout the next four hours or so we landed 12 more fish. We lost another eight or ten that we never got to the boat as well.
Some pictures from the trip can be found at http://www.muskegonriverguide.blogspot.com/.

No related links today. Just check out Jeff's website above or like him on facebook, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Muskegon-River-Guide/105859362801467.

Sometimes a Little Forethought is a Good Thing.

I was sitting here thinking about what to write and the first thing that came to mind was my love hate relationship with chipotle. However, common sense and fear of obscenity charges overrode that inclination.
Instead I decided to dissect this article. While I agree with the premise that being optimistic is something that you can willfully control, it's writing like this that tends to set me off. The author acts like these four secrets are so easy that just by reading the article, you will automatically be a happier person. So let's break down the problems with each of these steps.
Secret 1: Express Gratitude-On the surface this seems like a pretty sound theory. But let's just say that you've just blown a tire, smashed into a guard rail, and your coffee spilled all over your cell phone and the report you absolutely must turn in this morning. Am I really going to stop and take the time to say, thank you negligent person that allowed debris to fall from your vehicle. Now I get the opportunity to use my spare tire. Wouldn't want it to sit in the trunk too long without being used. Plus I get to talk with the perpetually friendly people at my insurance company. And who wouldn't be thankful for the chance to show up to work late and flex your creativity muscles when your boss doesn't quite believe your story?
Secret 2: Volunteer-Ahh yes, when everything in my life is going as absolutely horrible as possible, I want to surround myself with people who are in much worse situations than I. Who doesn't want a side of guilt and shame to go along with all the other crap that's going wrong?
Secret 3: Notice the Good-Ummm...not to sound flippant (well, maybe just a little), but isn't that pretty much what defines an optimist? If you're able to notice the good in every situation, wouldn't it be much easier to expect positive outcomes to every day situations? It's extremely hard for me to notice the good when I have to worry about how I'm going to get both of my grandpa's tractors out of the swamp without breaking anything.
Secret 4: Change Negative Self-Talking-Are you kidding me? Honestly, if this is a problem for you, you most likely won't have the confidence to believe that you can fix yourself. This is like saying that if you have trouble spending money then you should stop spending money. Well thanks for the tip skippy.
Yes, I know that anybody can change their outlook on life, but to write an article that makes it sound like a minor maintenance issue instead of a major engine overhaul is misleading at best.


Related Links
I don't have any related links. I just urge everyone to find a way to volunteer. Whether it's with senior citizens, inner city youth, or in a third world country, the love you show by volunteering will reap a harvest many times what you sow. 

One of "Those" Days

Well just like the title suggests, it was one of those days. One of the days that Murphy's Law was written for. It seemed like it was starting out to be a pretty decent day. Nice weather, the sun was shining.
I went early this morning and borrowed my grandpa's tractor. He only lives a mile away so it's pretty handy. My intention was to drive through the woods behind our house to load up a bunch of wood that I had cut up so I could bring it up and split it.
Things were going pretty well. I had made my way into the woods and had some stuff cut up and moved out of the way. So I'm driving the tractor through the woods and the front tires go over a small hump and I immediately sink nearly to the front axle. Try to back up and the tires just spin. I immediately stop, shut the tractor off, and head up to the house. I knew that if I kept trying I'd just make things worse.
Not too bad, I think to myself. The ground didn't seem that bad and grandpa has a bigger tractor. My dad goes to get the bigger tractor and drives out to the woods. He backs up and we get the chains hooked up. He starts to pull and the smaller one starts to move. But then it gets hung up on a log buried in the muck. The big tractor starts to spin its tires.
I need to interject here. My dad has a tendency to compound situations which would be considered less than optimal. It's a lack of patience. Something I struggle with as well.
As soon as the tires started spinning, not wanting to lose momentum, he opens up the throttle. This causes the tires to spin even more. In a matter of seconds, the larger tractor is sunk to its rear axle in the muck.
I'll forego the next few hours as the language is not appropriate. Not on my part, mind you. I'm much too controlled for those types of outbursts. Stop laughing.
Anyway, my dad goes to another farmer he knows and he brings over a bigger tractor to try to help. Notice I said try. It didn't work. Tractor wasn't big enough. But at least we didn't get it stuck.
He goes to another farmer and they bring an even bigger four wheel drive tractor. We break two chains. But we don't get this one stuck either so I guess that's a plus.
Finally we call a wrecker. Apparently all it takes to remove a tractor from the swamp is a hundred feet of steel cable, a massive winch, a block and tackle, and $150 dollars to pay the driver.
At least we didn't break anything on the tractors. Of course, all my wood is still out in the forest. Tomorrow should be fun.

Related Links
This is the type I got stuck.
And the one my dad got stuck.
Things could always be worse.

How to Find Different Titles for Your Blog Posts (Don't let the title fool you. This is about football.)

It's a bittersweet day. I'm bringing an end to the "How To" titles for my posts. I decided that I'm much more creative than that and can come up with witty, attention grabbing titles.
Now that that's out of the way. How about them Lions? I'll admit it. I've been a Lions fan since I can remember. My first memories of watching the guys in Honolulu Blue consisted of Barry Sanders making defenders look foolish, Rodney Pete making himself look foolish, and Eddie Murray being their leading scorer. (He was a kicker for those of you who don't remember.)
I suffered through the era of Cocaine Wayne, Bobby Ross, and a wave of other coaches whose potential was dashed upon the rocks of the Detroit LieDowns.
I watched numerous top draft picks amount to nothing. The few talented players Detroit was able to acquire were tossed into the meat grinder of sub mediocrity. Their careers were cut short by injury or indifference when they had the opportunity to get out of Detroit. After all, how many of them would have highlights of their career to point to when trying to negotiate a contract elsewhere?
I remember the last time the Lions made the playoffs only to lose the first game of their postseason. I remember the last time the Lions won a playoff game. That was all the way back in 1991. Twenty years ago.
I remember the sadness when guys I grew up watching every Sunday began to leave the game. Benny Blades, Chris Spielman, Pat Swilling, Mel Gray, Robert Porcher, Luther Ellis, Herman Moore, and the great Barry Sanders.
When Barry walked away from the game, I'm sure I wasn't the only one that felt a tremendous sense of despair. What were we going to do without one of the greatest players the game has ever seen? Turns out, we'd continue to be Lions fans. Suffering the same disappointment year after year.
And just when we thought it couldn't get worse, along came Matt Millen. Never has someone run a franchise so completely into the ground. Millen managed to accomplish the most difficult feat in professional football. So difficult, that no other team had EVER done it. He manufactured a team that was able to lose all SIXTEEN regular season games. As that travesty wore on, I recall having a perverse satisfaction as they drew closer and closer to the unattainable "perfect" season. Seriously, how many others would still claim to be a fan of an 0-16 team? I know I wasn't alone, but our ranks were pitifully small.
That's all changed now though. The Lion's have their first 4-0 start since before I was born. Suh, Johnson, and Stafford jerseys are everywhere. Where were you, my fairweather friends, when Cincinnati, Cleveland, and Tampa Bay could look forward to the inevitable win  that came with a game against Detroit? Where were you when for three straight seasons the first draft pick was a wide receiver? Where were you when Joey "Princess" Harrington was our quarterback? You were rooting on the Patriots, or the Colts, or the Saints. How dare you, now that things are good, come back and act like you're one of us? You haven't the right to call yourself a fan. You turned tail and ran when the going got hard.
I know my words will fall on mostly deaf ears. Nobody will admit to being one of the many on the bandwagon. They all say, "Not me, I was here the whole time." Well I say you're a liar. If that's true, where is your Andre Ware, Ty Detmer, or Aveion Cason  jersey? That's what I thought...That's what I thought.

And don't even get me started on Jeff Backus.

Related Links
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How to Do Customer Service the Right Way

Alright, so I've had my current cell phone since last December. It's a droid2 and I'm pretty happy with it. The only problem is that it gets too hot at times and that causes the adhesive which holds the keypad on to break down. I've had three phones in the ten months I've had my plan.
So I took my phone in yesterday to get it warrantied out. As soon as I walked in the door I was greeted by one of the representatives. Even though they were both with customers, they took the time to tell me they would be with my shortly. Too few companies bother to train their people that it is a big deal to the customer just to be acknowledged. I told them not to worry as I had plenty of time.
So I wander around the store looking at the different phones, waiting my turn. Even though she wasn't yet finished with her current customer, one of the reps asked me if I just had a simple question they could answer. I told her no, it was a warranty issue. Again, just letting the customer know you haven't forgotten about them and want to help them as soon as possible goes a long way.
Finally it's my turn. The rep that helped me turned out to be the district manager who was just in the store for the day. She asked me my problem and pulled up my account information and what not. She told me that because she isn't in the stores very often, she's not really familiar with how the warranty process works. She politely asked me if I would be willing to wait just a few more minutes until the other rep was free. I said that was fine and she could go ahead and help the next person waiting.
So the other rep gets freed up and begins to assist me. She looks at the phone to see the problem and calls the warranty division. She tells them the problem and they say they will ship me a new device. Now, I know I'm not eligible for an upgrade for a while so I ask her, because this is the third time with the same problem in ten months, if I can get a comparable phone. She asks the warranty division and they offer me a droid3 at no upgrade charge and they tell me they are overnighting it for no charge as well. Hey, that's fine with me. The rep gives me the order number and reminds me of the procedure for returning the defective phone.
I ask if there is an email address so I can leave a comment about customer service. Honestly, this was one of the best experiences in customer service that I've ever had. And that's not just with cell phones, that's any industry.
So if you work in customer service, you could take a lesson from this story. The customer may not always be right, but you need to do your best to make sure you find an equitable solution so they leave happy.

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How to Look Like a Complete Moron

Well last night I managed to accomplish the title of this post. I planned on going hunting yesterday afternoon. Took my shower and started to get ready. As I'm putting on my clothes, I realize my gloves and face mask are missing. Dangit, they're still in my car, which my dad borrowed.  Guess I'll just go out without them. I should be ok. Oh that's right, I need my wallet. Wait...where's my wallet? Look all over the house for it. Can't find it. Did I throw it in the washer on accident? I stop the washer mid cycle and pull out all the clothes. Nope. Not there. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait.
So I wait. Dad gets back with my car and I go to get my stuff. Gloves, check. Face mask, check. Wallet...uh oh. Not in my car. DANGIT!!!! Look all over the house again. Still can't find it. Go to check my car again. For some reason I pat my backside and lo and behold, there's my wallet. I never put it in the back pocket of my overalls. Well, apparently not never.
I can go hunting now at least. So I go hunting.
I'll tell ya what, there should be a cut off date for mosquitoes. There's absolutely no reason for those tiny little vampires to be flying around this late in the year. So I do my best to sit still. Very difficult to do while being incessantly impaled. Needless to say, I didn't see any deer. Oh well.

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How to Enjoy the Fruits of Your Labor..Warning: Not Appropriate for Animal Rights Activists

Well, as you know, I enjoyed my first success while bowhunting this weekend. Normally the tradition is to have the heart for dinner the same day the deer is killed. Due to family traveling and not getting out of the woods until dark, we weren't able to continue that tradition this year. Just in case anyone wants to try it, if they get the chance, I'll tell you how we normally prepare it.
First, the heart needs to soak in cold water for most of the day. Change the water multiple times. When it's time to get going on dinner, remove the heart from the cold water and cut off all the excess fat, sinew, etc. I cut across the heart making 1/4 inch slices. Next dredge the slices in a mixture of flour, garlic powder, salt, pepper, or whatever seasonings you prefer. Heat about 1/8 inch of oil in a frying pan. Oil should be quite hot. Lay slices in the oil. Fry just long enough to crisp the dredge then turn and repeat. Remove slices from oil and place on paper towel to get rid of excess oil. Serve with whatever sides you choose.
This year I tried something different. My dad is having teeth issues so he can't eat anything that requires actual mastication. I cut the heart into very small bits. Along with some of the backstrap, I sauteed it in butter and olive oil and seasoned to taste. After it was cooked thoroughly I added it to some cooked pasta, and stirred in a jar of alfredo sauce. It was quite tasty.
I know that many people, hunters included, abhor the idea of eating any of the innards of an animal. I feel that it's my obligation to use as much of the animal as possible. And for those out there that haven't tried it, you really should reserve judgement until you do.

Related Links
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How to Fill the Freezer

Just do this a few times.

This is my first deer with a bow. Let me tell ya how it went.
Got up at 5:00, showered, ate, dressed and headed out to the woods. In my stand before  6:00. After it started getting light watched several squirrels scampering around. About 8:30 I look over my right shoulder and see a deer walking towards me. It was a doe with two fawns. For those of you that don't know, it's nearly impossible for a right handed shoulder to shoot toward their right while sitting down. The doe spotted me before I had a chance to get to my feet so I sat absolutely still, hoping they would move to an area where there vision was blocked for a few seconds. Well they started walking back the way they came and I took the opportunity to try to stand. Must have made some noise because they spooked and took off. Sat back down and waited some more. 9:30 rolls around and I stand to stretch my legs. I'm standing for a couple minutes when I happen to look down to my right and there's a deer not twenty yards away.  This time I was able to get turned around, but the safety harness makes it somewhat difficult to draw back normally. Also, my left leg won't stop shaking. Get the bow drawn back and the deer steps into an opening and I shoot. *THWACK* Well that didn't sound like and arrow hitting a deer. But the deer is still there. Get another arrow on the string, draw, leg is still shaking, shoot. *THUD* That sounded just like an arrow hitting the ground. But the deer is STILL there. Get my third and last arrow on the string. Realize I hadn't been holding proper form while shooting. Make a concerted effort to make sure everything is just right, and shoot. *Whack!!!!* That one sounded right. The deer took off and I heard it crash just a few seconds later. I can see my arrow sticking out of the ground and it's covered with blood.
Everyone says you need to wait and let the deer have time to expire so you don't spook it and cause it to run halfway across the county in a final desperate effort to spite you. Well this deer took off up the trail I have to use to get back to my vehicle. Plus, I'm out of arrows. So I get down and retrieve two of my arrows. The first one I shot is lodged in a small tree that I didn't see about 12 feet off the ground. I make my way as quietly and softly toward where I heard the deer go down as possible. After walking about 15 yards from my blood covered arrow I can see the deer lying in the brush. It's not moving and it's eye's are wide open and unblinking. I could see the exit wound and knew the deer was dead.
Went back to my car, drove to my grandpa's to borrow his truck and came back and loaded my deer. I took it home and it's mostly all cut up and ready to be canned or turned into jerky.
Dinner tonight will consist of backstrap and heart.

There are no related links today. Gotta get ready to head back out and don't have time to find humorous or interesting things to link to. Sorry for the inconvenience.

How to Pull an All Nighter

Well it's finally here. Bow season eve. I remember feeling like this when I was a kid on firearm season eve. (You were expecting me to say Christmas Eve weren't you?) This is one of my absolute favorite times of year. I've spent many, many hours preparing for this. I've spent WAY too much money preparing for this. And I do it on the cheap. I can't imagine how much the guys spend that have to have the newest and best of everything.
I remember reading an article in an old Buckmaster's that described my current condition as A.N.T.L.E.R.S. Another Night To Lose Essential Rest Syndrome. That is about the most perfect description I can think of.
Once I've finished washing my hunting clothes in special scent eliminating soap, drying them with a dirt scented dryer sheet, and sealing them in their airtight plastic bag, I'll head to bed where I toss and turn all night as I replay thousands of different scenarios of what is going to occur tomorrow.
I'll wake up early, eat something less than memorable, put on my gear and head out to the woods. Will this be the year that I finally get a deer with my bow? Which way will they come from? Is the wind going to be in my favor? I wish I had a way to kill all the dang squirrels without making noise. Why does my nose always run like crazy when I'm in a treestand? Why do I never remember that my nose runs like crazy when I'm in a treestand and bring some tissue or something? Should I bring something to eat? Will I actually be able to stay out long enough to get hungry this time? Okay, I'm always hungry, I'll bring a snack.
These and countless other thoughts flit through my mind. Eventually I will nod off only to awaken a few short hours later and actually do all the stuff I was thinking about the night before.
What will tomorrow bring? I'll let ya know.



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How to Alienate Nearly Everyone

I know that thirty years isn't a significantly large amount of time to spend on this earth. However, I think that I've had a lot of different experiences that many others haven't. I'm sure this has affected how I view the world and the things I believe. That's what I'm going to talk about today. That being said, I know many of my beliefs won't sit well with others. For those of you that find yourself offended...tough.

I believe in God, and that he sent his son Jesus to die for our sins. I don't always live up to the standard that Christ set for us, but I try to do better every day. I'm not one of those Bible thumpers that's going to berate you for how you live your life, especially when I haven't done such a hot job with mine over the years.

I believe that the government DOESN'T exist to provide for the needs of the people. It isn't the responsibility of the government to pay my doctor bills. It isn't the governments responsibility to make sure I have a job or an education. It isn't the governments responsibility to make sure I have a house. Those are all MY responsibilities and if I fail to meet them then the fault is mine and I have no RIGHT to complain. The responsibility of the government is to run the daily operations of a nation and to provide for its defense and the safety of its citizens. Also to provide the media with an endless supply of scandal with which to fuel public outrage over something or other.

I  believe people who are overweight shouldn't be allowed to have a disability tag for their vehicle. If anything, they should be required to park further from the entrance. After all, they need the exercise. Addendum to this: This does not apply to people that have thyroid problems or other medical conditions BEYOND their control.

I believe that health insurance shouldn't cover medical procedures that are needed due to unhealthy lifestyle choices. If people had to pay full price for this stuff, a lot of them would give up their bad habits in a hurry. Either that or die early because they can't afford to get themselves fixed up by the doc.

I believe that if you refuse to exercise your right to vote then you should NEVER open your mouth about the way things are in this country. And no, I honestly don't care about your right to free speech. If you're willing to give up one right, why should you be afforded any of the others?

I believe that in a democracy, the majority is supposed to rule. Unfortunately our country has determined that even the minority gets to make decisions. Apparently every tiny faction should have as much say in what we determine to be acceptable as the majority. Sorry, but that just doesn't seem like a democracy to me.

I believe that human life has priority over that of the animal kingdom. If testing animals means we find a cure for a disease that kills humans, then go ahead and test away. I'm not saying that cruelty to animals is okay. But the benefits gained by humanity outweigh the injustice done to animals. Also, I love steak.

I believe that anyone that has served a tour of duty in our armed forces deserves special treatment. And I believe that anyone that talks down about our service men and women should be shipped to France, where they can commune with those cheese eating surrender monkeys.

I believe that driving qualifications need to be much higher. There is a preponderance of incapable drivers on the road. Seriously, how hard is it to use your turn signal, drive the speed limit, and stay in the RIGHT LANE WHEN YOU'RE NOT PASSING SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe that I've gone on long enough. Let the drama begin.

Related Links
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How to Properly Form a Rant

I was sitting here this evening watching a favorite cancelled series of mine. Firefly by name. Not many know of this short lived, yet wonderfully entertaining television show. However, my post tonight is not to be about the show. There happened to be a line uttered during the show with which I identify to a very large degree. "Forgive my rudeness. I cannot abide useless people." How wonderfully loaded with meaning is that short phrase. So I've decided to talk a bit about the useless people I cannot abide. Disclaimer: There are a few people in each of these categories that happen to fall outside the norm and actually manage to contribute something positive to society. (The exception to this is internet trolls. They have nothing beneficial to offer society.)

Political Extremists-These people give EVERY one a bad name. Because of them all republicans are philandering hypocritical warmongers, and all democrats are anti-American, tree hugging hippies.


Internet Trolls- These are probably the most useless of all the people I am mentioning today. They search internet forums hoping to find or start controversy. They intentionally create inflammatory posts or make offensive comments on other posts just to see internet drama. They love to see people flex their computer muscles knowing that all the effort expended due to their actions is completely wasted and everyone embroiled in the controversy will be worse off in the long run.

Celebrities-While not the biggest problem with society, they definitely rank among the worst of useless people. They are so worried about public approval that they will go to any lengths to get it. I'll admit it does take considerable sacrifice to adopt third world orphans. After all, you have to be willing to give up some of your comforts for you hired help to find the time to take care of your children. Besides trying to make themselves look good, they lend their celebrity to causes of which they are rarely well informed. After all, why wouldn't we want FBI agent killer Leonard Peltier back on the streets?

Career Politicians- I believe this group to be the largest problem with American society. They prance around publicly proclaiming how only they have the intelligence and ability to fix the problems faced by society. If we don't vote for them, then their evil opponent will heap upon us woes of Biblical proportions. Our livestock will die and our children will be born so hideously deformed that they will never know human affection.  Unfortunately, they have become so enamored of life in "public service" that they lose any sense of morality or self restraint. Every year we see at least one of these fellows resign amid controversy and scandal. And it doesn't matter what side of the political aisle they are on.


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How to Assimilate Into Popular Culture

It's a well known fact that Americans love to conform. It's our passion. Nobody really wants to be unique. Even the non-conformists conform to non-conformist ideology. There are a few people who set the standards for what we conform to. I have the privilege of being one of these. Today I'm going to offer a once in a lifetime opportunity and tell you what it takes to be just like me and by that same token, become one of the most popular people in society.

First off, ignore the latest fashion trends. Those ninny's in New York, Paris, and Milan have no idea what fashion is. Jeans and a t-shirt are timeless. Also, your shirt should never bear the logo of any company. By refusing to sport a company logo, you are showing that you are not a sheep and you have a mind of your own.

Second, refuse to watch any of the top rated television shows. This way, when all of your coworkers are discussing who got voted off of what, you can assume an air of superiority because you are above such mindless drivel. 

Also, immerse yourself in hobbies that are considered eccentric. This gives you the advantage of being considered outside of the norm today, but in the future you will be considered a visionary. Scrimshaw and parkour are excellent choices.

Comic books are timeless. Proclaiming your love for them will assure you the social separation so necessary for true popularity. Warning: You cannot fake this one. Sooner rather than later, you will be called to task on your knowledge of this subject. You cannot fool the experts. They will quickly expose you as a fraud if you fail to stand up under their scrutiny. Simply knowing that Clark Kent's middle name is Joseph, or that the names of the goats that pull Thor's chariot are Toothgrinder and Toothgnasher is not enough.

Avoid social interaction like a plague. There is no benefit to be gained in making yourself available to the public. In fact, they will admire you more for the fact that you hold yourself above them.

IT has taken me over three decades, but these practices have helped me reach the apex of societal popularity. It is only through diligent application of these practices that you can hope to raise yourself above the mundane masses to a level of prestige and admiration admired by few.

Related Links

This is what happens when you follow fashion trends

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How to Fail Spectacularly

Every now and then you have one of those days that make ya wonder if there is some grand cosmic power with the mentality of a fifth grade sociopath that likes to pull the wings of flies. We'll just say that today was a rough day.
Car maintenance, while critical, is generally not the most desirable of tasks. Yesterday consisted of replacing my brake pads and rotors as well as changing my oil. Completely, amazingly, shockingly, I was able to do that with a minimal amount of time and effort. I didn't break any critical parts, I had all the tools I needed, and there were no leftover odds and ends when I was finished.
Today wasn't like that. Today I had the simple task of having my winter tires and wheels installed. I loaded them into my car and headed to the tire store. I always go to the same place for this. Besides the fact that it's where I got my tires and wheels, I also used to work there. I'm friends with most of the guys and like to shoot the breeze while I'm there. The tech noticed that one of my winter tires was flat, so he inflated it and dipped it in a tank of water to see where it was leaking. He pulled it out of the tank and rolled it over to me and said he couldn't find any leaks. He failed to notice the large bulge in the sidewall of the tire. I did notice and pointed it out to him. I've been gone for two years and still can do the job better than some of the guys there.
So I talk to the salesman about a replacement tire. They happen to show that they have one in stock. After twenty minutes of searching, it turns out they don't. The only store that has one is on the other side of town. I offer to drive over there instead of waiting for them to send someone to get it. After all, I'm in town and it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.
I drive over to the other store and wait about a half hour for them to get my car in the bay. Pop open the trunk and lo and behold, the wheel isn't there. The amazing intellects at the first store forgot to put it in my trunk when they pulled my car out for me. So the guys at this store bag up my tire and I drive back to the first store.
I go back to the other store and finally get my tire installed. I'm pretty sure that if I were a normal customer there would have been a lot more apologizing going on. But I guess that's what I get to deal with for going back to a place where a large portion of the employees had the luxury to witness my many mistakes.

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How to Set Fire to an Aluminum Boat

Quite often you will find that I reference stories about my dad. This usually means I couldn't think of anything else to write for the day and he has supplied me with a vast treasure of interesting and/or humorous anecdotes over the years.
You may be a bit incredulous after reading the title of today's post, but I assure you, it is quite possible. Even though it took place before I was born, I was able to confirm this little escapade by talking to actual participants as well as reliable witnesses. The story unfolds thusly:

My dad, his brother in law, and another fellow were all in a boat fishing up at Lake Dubbonnet (French pronunciation, rhymes with, trebuchet.)near Traverse City. Other family member were fishing from shore and were witness to the spectacle that was soon to follow.
Deciding to move the boat, my dad went to start the outboard motor. After several futile yanks on the starting cord, he deduced that they were out of gas. No problem. He opened her up, poured in some gas, spilled a bit all over the motor, and set the gas can at his feet. He then put the cap back on the motor and gave the cord another yank or three. When the spark from the motor ignited the gas, he staggered back and knocked over the gas can.
Well, anyone that understands fire knows what is about to happen. My dad is one of these people. He tried to quickly re-position himself somewhere else in the boat that didn't contain gasoline that was about to burst into flames. (Onlookers would describe this as a mad dash towards the bow.)
It doesn't take a physics major to understand that adding an extra man to the front of a fourteen foot boat is going to change the displacement properties of said boat. As this displacement change took place, gasoline (being a liquid) proceeded to follow the new downward slope presented to it. This sequence of events, which took place in the span of a few short seconds, has been compared to a classic gag from Looney Tunes. Specifically, where Yosemite Sam leaves a trail of gunpowder behind him which Bugs Bunny lights and it chases him down.
My dad, seeing this parallel in person, decided the only logical course of action is to  flip the boat over so the water would put out the flames. He quickly leaps up onto the gunnels of the boat which, in fact, caused it to flip. (The fact that the other two guys were hopping around like fleas on a hot griddle probably assisted him somewhat.)
So now all three guys and their gear are in the water. One of the other guys made it known that he had "saved" the anchor.
My dad then swam over to hold onto the boat until another boat could come to their aid. He basically tried to flop up on the boat. He wasn't able to stay there long though as the gasoline continued to burn on top of the water inside the inverted boat. He flung himself back off the boat and did his best to tread water until another boater picked them up. I honestly don't know if they ever recovered any gear besides the anchor.

Many of you are probably beginning to understand just how I came to be the person I am today.

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How to Interview a Celebrity

This is my first, of what I hope is many, interviews. Today's interview is with world renown artist, writer, blogger, and outdoorsman Mike VanLoon.

HD: Mike, I'd like to thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to do this interview. I know our readers will greatly appreciate the insight and wisdom you have to offer.
MV: Not a problem at all. I consider it an honor to be selected to be the subject of an interview on such a prestigious blog.

HD: Your wildlife art has gained you much prestige in certain circles. How did you become interested in art to begin with, and what made you choose wildlife as your focus.
MV: I'm not exactly sure how I became interested in art. I just remember always liking to draw. That passion grew as I got older and was fueled by the many awards and honors I received. I focus on wildlife because it's something I have intense interest in and I've always been extremely good at it.

HD: Your drawings are amazing, but I think your fans will agree that your pen and ink work is what really sets you above the majority of the niche.
MV: First of all, I don't believe that anything I do can be considered niche work. Pen and ink is a very popular medium. The same can be said of wildlife art. The fact that I'm very good at combining them should be described as the quintessence of a genre.

HD: That's fair enough. Let's move on to your writing. Where did you get your start with that?
MV: Honestly, that would be second grade. I wrote a book for the Young Authors competition, and while my synopsis of dinosaurian sociophysiology didn't receive the credit it deserved, my interest was nonetheless piqued and I haven't looked back.

HD: What are some of your other writings that we would be familiar with?
MV: My sixth grade Young Authors entry was an award winning play. I've written numerous essays and short stories. I have in my archives a tiny ten page thesis on the fallacy of the anti-hunting movement. I'm also in the process of writing a fantasy novel.

HD: Who would you list as your greatest inspiration when it comes to writing?
MV: This will be an extensive list so bear with me. Pat McManus, Michael Crichton, Louis L'Amour, Zane Grey, Tom Clancy, George R.R. Martin, and Gail Martin. Okay, so it wasn't that extensive.

HD: Let's talk about your blog. Hunter's Diversions has become an internationally read source for individuals seeking humor and insight into nearly anything related to the outdoors. What lead you to develop such an amazing resource?
MV: I would have to say that I saw a need in the blogging community and filled it. There were some pretty good bloggers out there, but nothing top drawer. My friend, Shawn Braham, is the author of one of the better alternatives to my site. I highly recommend your readers check him out.

HD: What advice do you have for anyone else that is thinking about creating a similar blog?
MV: Feel free to give it a shot. However, don't be disheartened when you don't have the success that I enjoy. After all, there can only be on number one.

HD: Why don't we explore your background as an outdoorsman. You have been heralded as the epitome of  manly ruggedness, true hunter essence, and humility. How do you handle the inherent burden of such titles?
MV: To me, it's not viewed as a burden. It's a duty, and one that I carry out with pride. After all who else would be worthy of such a responsibility?

HD: Mike, again, I sincerely thank you for your time. I know this interview will provide great inspiration for generations to come.
MV: No thanks necessary, it was my pleasure.

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How to Contract West Nile Virus

I want to find the guy that decided to torture Michigan hunters with an early deer season. Then I'm going to kick him. We've been waiting for the better part of a year to be able to hunt again and it's an irresistible temptation to get out in the woods a few weeks early just for a chance at some does.
This time of year the weather is usually pretty mild. Mornings are more often that not a little chilly, sometimes with a bit of frost on the ground. That's the perfect time to be in the woods.
But then, sometimes the weather changes. You wake up and it's raining. Grand. You left your safety harness out  on the deck overnight. It's soaked. Guess you'll use your backup harness. It's been sitting in the garage for the last year or so and is most likely saturated with all the wonderful smells associated with garages. (If you're not a deer hunter, you won't understand just how much of an aggravation and handicap this is.)
Anyway, you are determined to spend as much time in the woods as possible. You drive out to the woods and get out of your car. You immediately break out in a sweat even though the temps are in the mid 60s.  Being from Michigan, you have appropriately purchased only gear that helps keep you warm during the normal hunting season. Being Dutch, you refuse to purchase light weight gear for the warmer weather of the five day early season. It's only five days after all, you should be able to tough it out.
About the same time that sweat is running into your eyes, you are swarmed by clouds of gallinippers. For those of you not familiar with these. They are basically a mosquito mounted on a Boeing 737 frame. Also, instead of the standard proboscis of normal mosquitoes, they are equipped with the equivalent of an 18 volt Milwaukee drill with carbide bit. These HURT when they bite. Not to be outdone, their diminutive cousins show up to the party at a ratio of ten to one. While not as big, their bite seems to have an itch factor measured in magnitudes of ten in comparison to their larger brethren.
So it's raining, you're sweating, and losing blood at an alarming rate. And you haven't even gotten your bow out of it's case yet. Doing this, you head to your stand as quickly as possible, thankful for the rain for a little while because it makes walking much quieter.
You climb to your stand and are finally able to pull your gloves and mask on. This offers some small protection from the miniature vampires, but they continue to buzz incessantly around you, doing everything in their considerable power to distract you. The more intrepid will even find places where your mask is in direct contact with your skin, through which they can assault your circulatory system.
So you sit, trying to do your best to ward off the vicious fiends without too much movement. You pray for a downpour instead of the intermittent showers, if for nothing else than to knock down the mosquitoes and cool you off for a bit. Alas, nature does not comply so you are sitting in a tree, sweating, slightly damp, and itching like you slept in a patch of poison sumac.
Hard to believe you aren't seeing any deer isn't it?

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How to Get the most out of Your Sunday

Gotta love Sundays in the fall. Definitely my favorite days of the year. Quite often it's nice and sunny and not too warm.
I get my kids (if they're not at their mom's) and I up and get ready for church. I/we go to church and visit with some friends I may only see on Sunday. Listen to the sermon. The pastor tries to be funny and the congregation tries to act amused. Then Sunday School and it's off to home.
Depending on how the Lions are doing this year I'll probably follow the game. If they're absolutely sucking, which is usually the case, I might go small game, turkey, or deer hunting, depending on what's open. Odds are I'll return empty handed which saves me the hassle of having to clean anything. If my kids are home with me I try to take them when I go after squirrels. I'll actually be taking my son turkey hunting this year as he's old enough to hunt under Michigan's mentored youth hunting program.. He could go deer hunting but he's not quite strong enough to pull back a hunting bow and he doesn't have enough experience with guns for me to be comfortable with him using a rifle. Besides, it wouldn't do to have him show me up.
Evenings are spent back at church as I'm a sponsor for the high school youth group. It's usually a pretty good discussion as we have some really smart kids and an amazing youth minister. I'm there mainly for comic relief.
After that I head home and relax for a bit. Get the kids ready for bed, then spend some time working on this blog as well as trolling archerytalk.com. After all, no day would be complete without reading a bunch of well thought out, informative, non-biased forum posts.
Then it's off to bed.

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How to Write a Post When You Have Writer's Block.

I really couldn't think of a particular topic to write about tonight. So be forewarned, this post may not be up to my normal standards of wit and intellect.
Here's a brief recap of my week leading up to and including my hunting season so far. Keep in mind that this is the early antlerless season in Michigan. That means you can only shoot deer with less than three inches of antler on one side. For those of you who aren't familiar with deer, antlers generally come in pairs, hence the distinction.
Monday night- get a text from the associate minister at my church to let me know the Bible study I normally attend on Tuesday mornings has been moved to Thursday morning this week. Great, Thursday was the first day of the season. Oh well, I'll just go later that evening.
Tuesday-During the day take several opportunities to practice shooting.
Wednesday-Spend some more time shooting in the afternoon. Notice that d-loop on bow string is starting to fray a bit. Immediately after noticing this, proceed to draw bow, only to have release open halfway through the draw due to a bit of frayed material stuck in the jaws. Punch self in mouth and unwittingly launch arrow who knows where. Great. I decide that as long as I'm careful not to get the material stuck in the jaws I should be ok. After all, I'm going out in the morning and I just don't have time to get it replaced before then.
Wednesday night-Get a text saying Bible study is cancelled, the third member of our group hurt himself and had to go to the doctor in the morning. Well at least I get to go hunting in the morning. Crap, gotta wash my hunting clothes. Stay up until 12:30 to put hunting clothes in dryer.
Thursday morning-Excitement prevents sleeping past 4:30. Get up, shower and have some oatmeal. Wait impatiently for 6:00. Head out to truck and leave for hunting property which is less than a mile away. Turn around when halfway there because I forgot my safety harness and don't relish the idea of tumbling 20 feet to the forest floor. Make it to hunting property. Walk to stand. Climb into stand and hook up to safety harness. Pull bow up. Sit dow. Nearly mess pants when a deer blows 20 yards away because it smells me. Listen as the deer blows about a dozen more times. Convince myself that all the deer in the area HAVEN'T taken off for the next county. Wait and wait and wait for it to get light. Once it's light enough to see, stare intently at every little movement I see. Nearly mess pants when a squirrel scurries down the backside of my tree with no warning. Look off to my left and see a deer walking. Notice antlers. Dang. Wait, there's another deer behind it. Even bigger antlers. Dang. (Remember, I can only shoot does right now.) Watch in frustration as the deer meander back and forth well within shooting range. Finally deer leave. Heart rate slowly returns to normal. Hear splashing that I KNOW is deer crossing the creek. Wait, and wait, and wait. The two bucks are back. The two bucks disappear into the brush. Look across the creek. See doe. Out of range and across the property line. Doe walks off. Sit and wait, and wait, and wait. Look to far left. See four deer. Swing my bow around to draw back. Antlers on all four heads. DANG. Sit until about 10:00 when I have to go back home to get some stuff done. Go home and get some stuff done. Head back out to woods around 5:00. Back in my stand. Wait, and wait, and wait. About 7:30 stand to stretch my legs and look behind me. A deer. More antlers. DANGIT ALL!!!!! Wait until dark and go home.
Friday morning-Force myself to get up at 5:30 to hunt even though I didn't get to bed until after midnight again as I was trying to finish a blog post as well as some other things. Go to put my hunting clothes in the dryer. They're already dry. Crap, I forgot to start the washer last night. Decide God must want me to let my stand cool off for a day. Spend the day getting more stuff done. Make SURE I wash and dry my clothes before I go to bed.
Saturday morning-Up at 5:30. Shower and get dressed, head out to woods. Get in stand. Sit until about 9:30 when I have to go back home and help set up for a family reunion. Spend the day with a bunch of people that make me question how I'm even possibly related to them.
Saturday night-Sit for several hours trying to come up with something to write for my blog. This is it.

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How to Enjoy Hunting Season...A Deer's Perspective

It's that time of year again. Hunting season is upon us. In many states, deer season has already started. Here in Michigan the early doe season started yesterday. The bucks are safe at least until October 1st, or until they die of old age if I'm the one hunting them.
I thought I'd take a different approach and try to analyze what this would mean to a deer from its point of view.

As your night time ritual of decimating farmers' corn comes to a close, you notice a change in the misty air. It's not something you can see or hear or even smell...yet. You begin to saunter back to your bedding area just as the sun starts to paint the eastern sky a soft salmon color. Tendrils of fog drift through the early morning air as you step from the field into the edge of the forest.
Then you hear it. A truck door closing. From different locations, near and far, you hear the sound repeated at irregular intervals, slightly muffled by the heavy atmosphere. You know what that means. Hunting season.
You snicker to yourself. You wait all year for hunting season to roll around. You've survived your share. Granted, some of the early lessons were hard. You still limp from where that kid shot through your front leg with an arrow your first year. But now you're wiser, and have come to appreciate the entertainment to be had in the fall months.
You already know where the hunters will be. These guys use the same stands every year. In fact, you can hear one of them trying to sneak through the woods right now. You wonder how any deer are ever killed when humans are so loud, clumsy, and smelly. You see the beam from the hunter's flashlight flitting through the trees. Deciding to start the festivities off early, you move into position about ten yards from the stand. You watch the uncoordinated oaf as he wanders back and forth, cursing to himself, because he forgot which tree his stand is in. If you could laugh you would. The frustrated fellow finally finds his tree and begins his ascent. You wait until he's approximately halfway up and snort just as hard as you can and stomp away. You hear the hunter cuss some more as he nearly slips off the steps in surprise.
Ahh, good stuff, you think to yourself. So good, in fact, you do it to two other hunters you are able to find before there is enough light for their weak human eyes to see you.
Having too much fun, you decide to forgo your normal routine. You can sleep anytime.
You meander through the forest seeking out your next target.
Having located one, you walk in what appears to be a haphazard manner back and forth and around his stand. This only has the appearance of being random. You make sure that at all times there are several trees and brush between you and the hunter. You can see the intensity in his eyes as the adrenalin courses through his body. You can smell the nervous anticipation as it rolls off him in seemingly visible waves. Once you think you've brought his heart to its maximum sustainable rate, you put a tree between the two of you and walk straight away.
As the day wears on, you decide you actually do need to sleep. You make your way to your hidey hole in the local swamp and nap for a few hours.
You awake as evening approaches. Now it's time for your favorite tease. Just as the light begins to fade, you arrive at a nearby alfalfa field. You know exactly where the hunter is as he's been here several times a week hanging his stand, checking his trail cameras, and all but giving you a map and itinerary. Just before legal shooting light is gone, you prance out onto a knoll in the middle of the field, on the opposite end from the hunter. Your massive antlers are backlit by the waning light and you know, you just KNOW, that that hunter is watching you from his treestand, well out of range, cussing to himself about "stupid deer".

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How to Get Started in Bow Hunting

So you want to go bow hunting eh? Well you'd better get yourself ready. Not sure what all you need to do to get ready? Well you've come to the right place. Some have called me the consummate expert on all things hunting. For those of you who know me...stop laughing.
First things first, to go bow hunting, you need a bow. That begs the question, do you have a bow? If you do, then you're already a step ahead. If not there are literally hundreds of different bows to choose from. Pick one. It doesn't matter if  you like how the bow shoots or not, because in a year, your bow will be out of date and you wouldn't dare be caught dead with last years model. Many bows even come with a bunch of accessories such as arrow rest, sight, quiver, etc., all of which will be outdated next year as well.
Second, you'll need arrows. Again, your choices are nearly limitless. Everything from your old fashioned cedar arrows for the traditionalist; to new age, polymer coated, carbon fiber, ergonomic, aerodynamic, satellite guided, ROM optimized, hydroponic arrows that are guaranteed to hit the bulls eye regardless of how lousy your aim is.
You will also need a release, target, field tips, broadheads, camo, boots, gloves, treestands, doe pee, buck pee, fox pee, grunt tube, bleat tube, rattling horns, scent eliminating soap, scent eliminating detergent and an endless assortment of other odds and ends. Don't bother trying to acquire these all at once. No matter how much you buy, there will always be some amazing new product you just have to have.
It may be necessary to indenture one or more of your children to offset the costs of these expenses. Don't worry, it builds character.
Once you are properly equipped, you need to begin practicing shooting. Most people will recommend that you practice as often as possible all year round. I suppose for beginners or if you lack confidence in your ability that's a fine way to go about it. I suggest the more advanced method that you wait until approximately two weeks before opening day. This should be enough time to become comfortable with your bow without a lot of wasted effort throughout the year. It also has the added benefit of adding a LOT of excitement to what is normally a pretty dull time of year when something on your bow breaks and you scurry about trying to find a pro-shop that has the time to fix your problem.
Ok, so you've got all that set. Now where are you going to hunt? You might be thinking, "Duh, the woods." Well Mr. Smarty Pants, that just isn't going to cut it. First off, the woods you were thinking about hunting may be private property. I don't know too many folks that look kindly on weapon toting strangers trespassing on their land. If you happen to have land of your own or know someone that does that's fine and dandy. If not, you may have luck by going door to door asking permission to hunt someone else's land. This could be a long, depressing process as it gets harder and harder each year to find sympathetic landowners that don't require you to take out a secured loan for the privilege of hunting their woodlot. Your last, and least desirable, option is public land. I know there are a lot of hunters out there that have had a lot of success hunting public land. But really, these are hunters we're talking about. Do you really think they're being honest? In many places any public land will be swarming with hunters which can lead to some harsh words when you inadvertently disrupt someone's hunt as you didn't see him thirty feet up in a tree in full camo.
After you've determined where you will hunt all that's left is to wait for opening day, go out, and shoot yourself a critter. Easy as that.

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