How to Properly Post on a Forum

There is a fine etiquette when it comes to posting a thread or comment to an online forum. Many "noobs" as they are known, are unaware of the nuances of such actions. I have taken it on myself to compile a list of common terms, guideline and protocols.

We'll start with acronyms that are common to forums. While these have obvious well known meanings, it's the subtle usage behind them that tends to trip people up. I'll try my best to explain.

LOL-Laugh out loud. The poster thought something was slightly humorous. This can also be added to nearly every post on every forum. The post doesn't have to be funny. By doing this, the poster has the option of saying it was "just a joke" and you have no right to get offended by such frivolity.
JK-Just kidding. The poster knows that what he said will be taken as offensive, which he intended, but wants to remove any option for someone else to call him out because of it.
LMAO-Laugh my (expletive deleted) off. The poster is responding to something that was mildly amusing.
ROFL-Roll on the floor laughing. The poster is responding so something that may have actually caused him to smile. Note, this may be followed by modifiers such as MAO, MFAO, MMFAO. These stand for My (expletive deleted) off. My (expletive deleted)(expletive deleted) off, and My mother (expletive deleted)(expletive deleted) off. I'll let you figure out what the expletives are.
IMO-In my opinion. The poster is saying that this is his opinion and if you don't agree with him you are an   uneducated dolt who had no right taking up valuable oxygen that could better be used by him.
IMHO-In my honest opinion. Same as above, but by adding "honest" the poster is trying to prevent anyone from calling his own integrity into question.

Now let's move on to some of the guidelines.

-Always assume you are smarter than everybody else posting on a particular forum. Confidence is key to survival.
-No matter what you post, somebody else will have an issue with it. If you posted that you think puppies are cute; you will receive no less than 173 individual responses telling you how and why you are wrong, the Cat Fanciers Association will accuse you of intolerance towards felines, and Pat Robertson will bash you for having a latent fetish for animals.
-Those that don't respond in the above fashion don't even care about what you posted. They are just looking for a thread to "jack" so they can push their own thoughts, products, etc.
-Never bother to read all previous responses to a post. That way, your reply that shows up on page 18 of the responses will be the eleventh such post and everyone will know that you are mainstream.
-Punctuation, spelling, and grammar don't matter. Everyone else loves the challenge of trying to figure out whether you are saying "It's time to eat, Grandma." or "It's time to eat Grandma."
-Threaten those who disagree with you. Online fighting is awesome. When the clear winner is decided, you  will be able parade victorious through your mother's basement, re-enacting the epic final battle between Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader with the vintage Light Saber you won on eBay last year.

This list is by no means comprehensive. But hopefully I will help at least someone avoid the trials and tribulations I went through learning all this on my own.

Related Links
Another noob resource
Because we could all use a little more etiquette.
Something we all can laugh at...well, anyone like me will laugh.

How to Improve Your Self Image...List Your Weaknesses

In case you can't tell, the title of my post is a bit sarcastic.
I love learning. I love trying to do things I've never done before. That being said, there is a very short list of things that I am actually proficient at. The list of things I should avoid doing, on the other hand, is quite extensive. Here's a sampling of the things I'm less than adept at.

Music-Anything having to do with music is beyond my capabilities. I'm tone deaf and lack the coordination necessary to play any instrument...including the kazoo.

Metal or wood working-Everyone that has done any kind of building, fabricating, etc. knows the saying "Measure twice, cut once." Well I can measure a dozen times and still mess it up.

Dancing-A person that has absolutely no natural rhythm is not someone you want to see attempt to dance. Imagine someone suffering from the bends trying to ward off a swarm of hornets. That would approximate what my attempts at dancing look like.

Painting-I can draw and do pen and ink better than most. I'm really good at those. But put a paintbrush in my hand and it's like a kindergartener with finger paints. I just have no clue how to make paint do what I want.

Small talk-I don't care about the weather. I don't care about your kids, grand kids, nieces, nephews, etc. And I really don't care why we're both at the doctor's office at the same time. In fact, at the doctor's office, stay as far away from me as possible as I'd rather not catch the plague, ebola, or whatever terrible malady you are suffering from.

Finishing what I start-There are probably a dozen different projects that I am in the "process of completing" at the moment. If only I could

Related Links
Singing like me.
Some folks who actually CAN paint.
Some helpful hints

How to Fit in when You Feel Like the Black Sheep

Could I have chosen a more overused cliche for my title? Possibly, but I couldn't think of one at the moment. Everyone claims to be the black sheep of their family. Now if that were the case, we'd be nothing but black sheep. And I actually think that's pretty accurate. We're all odd in our own ways. I think people just don't want to be identified with their family members. Which, knowing some people's families, I can't blame them.
However, when it comes to my family, it's a knock down, drag out, battle royale for the title of blackest of the sheep. The VanLoon family (read clan), is well known in the area I live. Notorious would not be an inaccurate description.
The place my family really shines though is deer camp. I grew up waiting, wishing, and counting down the years until I could go to deer camp with my dad. I wasn't allowed to go the first year I was old enough to rifle hunt because my grades weren't good enough, so I had to wait an extra year.
To give you a little better feel of what I had been waiting for, let me tell you some of the "legends" of deer camp that I remember growing up.
First of all, I'll preface with the fact that you, the reader, should assume that anything that is happening outside of hunting hours is done under the influence of alcohol. My family has never been the paragon of common sense or moral fortitude. I am relating these stories, that does not mean I condone or approve of any of it.
Every night at deer camp consists of playing cards. Whether it's euchre or some form of poker, card playing is the pass time of choice. Well one night, after several hours of card playing and drinking, one of my uncles staggered outside and commenced puking. Well, at that time, the frying pan used for cooking was set outside the door in the snow so whatever leftovers were in it wouldn't spoil. Some time later, another of my uncles went out to use the privy. On his way back he sees the skillet of leftovers and decides he'll have some. So he stumbles back into the tent with the frying pan in one hand eating out of it with the cooking spoon in the other. He was so drunk, he didn't realize that the frying pan had been right in the receiving area of his brother's earlier act of regurgitation.
The second story takes place one night when some family friends were visiting the camp. There was a younger fellow with the group and he was bragging that he never threw up from drinking. That's a boast that the men in my family cannot resist putting to the test. For some reason it was rather dark in the tent that night. They had this fellow drinking my great great uncle Jake's, homemade dandelion wine. Now, Uncle Jake didn't bother with filtering the bits and pieces of dandelion out of his wine. Just strain it out with your teeth if you wanted to drink his. Anyway, the young guy is pretty well hammered late into the night. Somebody cranks up the lantern and the guy sees all the stuff floating in the wine. Apparently that was just too much and he bolted out of the tent to empty the contents of his stomach into the snow.
The third story...is about drinking and puking. I guess I really don't need to relate that one, you all get the picture.
You would think, hearing these stories growing up, I would have been somewhat prepared for the atmosphere of my family's deer camp. Either I didn't realize the implications of all these stories or was just so eager to be considered one of the guys that I didn't care. It took one day to remove all illusions of what the mythical time at deer camp was about. Not sure about anyone else, but I wasn't very comfortable heading out into the woods with a bunch of guys that had been stumbling drunk as recently as four hours previous.
That was my one and only year at deer camp. Not only did I not get a deer, I didn't see ANYthing. That includes squirrels, birds, etc.
The next year I told my dad I just wanted to hunt around home and that's what I've been doing for the last sixteen years. My dad also stopped going to deer camp so we could hunt together. Since then, the two of us have killed more deer than the dozen or so guys that go up there every year. All of the guys that go know they would have a lot better luck hunting other areas but that isn't important.  Apparently I just don't "get" what deer camp is all about.
So when it comes to me, I am a bit of a black sheep compared to most of my family because I don't enjoy drinking myself stupid. I guess I'm okay with that.

Related Links
More fun cliches
In case you want to be like Uncle Jake. Kids, you ignore this link.
This is quite accurate.

How to Wait until the Last Minute...and Still Meet Your Deadline

Yeah, I waited until the last minute to write today's post. Sorry, but I couldn't think of anything clever to say earlier. I did, however, just get back from my nightly walk and I KNOW I can find plenty of humor in my physical fitness, or lack thereof, and my efforts to correct it.
First off, I know I'm a tub. I don't deny it. It demands my attention everyday as I am now to the point that I get winded tying my shoes. That being said, I've never really felt bad about the way I look. BUT, things have gotten out of hand and I really need to do something about it. Also, I dream of going on an elk, moose, or mule deer hunt out west sometime and it's only fair to the outfitter (if I have one) and the game that I be in the proper condition for such a hunt.
So I've started walking. "Why walking," you may ask. "Why not running? Running will burn more calories and you  can stop being fat sooner." Well, it turns out I'm too fat too run. About this time last year I tried to take up running. Things were going well for the first two weeks or so. I was losing weight, and my endurance was increasing. I actually got to the point where I could run a full mile without slowing to a walk. I was pretty darn proud of myself.
 Then the pain started. At first, just a twinge in my right knee. After a few days it was more than a twinge. Then it was in both knees. Then I could barely walk when I got up in the morning. There comes a time when you just can't push through the pain anymore. So I went to the doctor. Sitting in the examination room he asked me what the problem was. I told him I think I have tendonitis. I started running a while ago and the my knees started hurting worse each day. His response, and this is from a licensed physician "Yep, you probably do. Take some ibuprofen and stay off them until they stop hurting."  Seriously Doc? That's it? I was so glad I was able to diagnose myself. However I don't think  it was fair that I had to pay him for doing absolutely NOTHING.
Anyway...that was last year. On to this year. Figured I'd start it off at a more moderate pace. Walking is much easier on the joints so I'll give that a go. Do you know how disheartening it is to hear the corduroy "zhip zhip zhip" sound when you're not wearing any? I can already tell a difference as I'm able to walk much farther without getting shin splints.  Yes, I get shin splints from walking. I'm that out of shape. Didn't I already explain that in the second paragraph?
Hopefully in the next week or so I'll be able to increase my pace from a trudge to a plod. Then I'll go from there. Gradually increasing my pace until I finally reach a brisk walk. Once I'm comfortable with that I might actually try throwing some jogging in there. But I'm getting ahead of myself now. Better slow down before I run out of breath.

Related Links
Fitness and nutrition tracker. Tell them deltaoutlaw sent you.
There aren't many positives to running
Ugh...doctors

How to Completely Avoid Any Type of Planning or Preparation

"Be prepared." Ahh, yes. The old Boy Scout motto. Just one of the reasons I never would have made it in the scouts. I am one of those people who is seldom, if ever, prepared. It doesn't matter if it's for mowing the yard or a week long camping expedition. Invariably, I will not be ready to embark on any given action at the time I have determined for myself to do so.

What it comes down to is that I'm just not the planning type. I know many people who can look at any given situation and plot out exactly what needs to be done and when for everything to go smoothly. Let's take a simple example from everyday life. (My every day that is, most people's everyday won't be anything like this)

I am big into bowhunting. And it turns out, it's not a very inexpensive hobby. So to save myself some money, I thought I'd build some equipment so I can do some of the work myself. I wanted to start out small. "An arrow saw isn't too big." I reasoned. 

Now, let's examine the differences between a planner and someone such as myself.

Step 1: Design

Planner: Research different commercial and DIY arrow saws online. Draw out several sketches of various possible designs. Select the one that requires the fewest materials and least amount of time.

Myself: Have a rough idea of what an arrow saw is.

Step 2: Materials

Planner: Sit down and write a list. For this project, the list could go like this: Motor w/spindle, cutting wheel, 42" angle iron, metal yardstick, 5 1/4"x1" bolts with nuts and washers, 2 3/8"x2" bolts with nuts and washers, etc., etc., until he has a detailed account of everything he will need. They will then proceed to find everything on the list amongst various neatly labeled drawers, bins, and containers. Anything they have not checked off the list at this  point they will purchase from the hardware store.

Myself: Have an idea in your head of what it will take to make an arrow saw. Lists are for sissies. Wander around the garage, yard, and sheds looking for things that you think would work. An hour later, having found an old piece of bedframe (angle iron), one bent metal yardstick, and absolutely nothing else; stare blankly at the workbench for approximately ten minutes. When you come out of your stupor, realize that you are short some key ingredients for a proper arrow saw. Spend another hour rechecking all the places you previously looked. Admit defeat and go purchase the rest of the items you think you will need. Upon returning home, make smaller piles of junk on the workbench and come to the conclusion that you need a few more parts from the hardware store. Repeat this process at least twice more. 

Step 3: Construction

Planner: From your previous design ideas, determine the proper steps for constructing your arrow saw. Gather necessary tools. Follow steps until saw is complete.

Myself: With the pile of stuff on your workbench, begin anywhere you see fit. It doesn't matter where really, because the end result will be the same. Make several hundred trips between your workbench, drill press, tool boxes, etc. Do this because you didn't bother to gather all necessary tools before hand. This has the added benefit of raising your heart rate during the build process, providing a little extra cardio exercise. Several times during this process break a tool, a critical piece of the saw, or yourself. Apply a strong salve of cuss words to whatever you have broken. This will do nothing to help your problem, but it will make you feel bad for scaring your kids. Replace broken tool or material, or bandage broken self. Repeat the process. If you would like to add a little variety, try breaking different objects instead of the same one. This helps relieve the monotony of the construction process. It's also a good way to stretch your ingenuity muscles as you scamper about trying to find ANYthing that will work in place of what you just broke. Once your supply of material, tools, or appendages has been exhausted, throw the tool you are currently holding across the garage, preferably breaking something you had no intention of breaking. (Warning: Do not attempt if your vehicle is occupying the garage. This will cause severe depression for you, or  your spouse if you have one, and may result in a temporary or permanent change of address on your part.) Look at what you just broke, turn away in disgust, and trudge defeated back into the house. Order new arrow saw online.

It's easy to see from this example the vast difference between those who plan and those who do not. Obviously, the planner lives a boring, sedate life with no excitement what so ever. 

Related Links
Be Prepared
Arrow saw done right
For when you don't use the above link